Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
You Might Also Like
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Meow
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
#merica
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.