I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
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They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
The Compass
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I hate when that happens.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”