The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
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*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)