Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
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Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Dead sexy!!
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.