Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.