Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
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can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.