My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
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“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Merica.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.