*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
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I need better friends
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.