my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
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i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
welp
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
He’s cranky this morning
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.