POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.