Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
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A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this