@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
You Might Also Like
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”