Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
You Might Also Like
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.