I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
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The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.