“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
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I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way