Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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dutch is not a serious language
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
He’s cranky this morning
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
There is wisdom there.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
why count sheep when I can count my troubles