Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
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I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there