(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
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Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.