him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
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nothing saves money like being antisocial
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
i was baptized in a car wash
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.