A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*