Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
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Schrödinger’s Dumpster
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
This is always good for a laugh.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?