My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
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amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
is this how new cars are made??
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some