coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
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WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Smile they said.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor