That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
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once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.