Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
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Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I just ran a .003048K
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
the three branches of government
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her