My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
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Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music