Baller is short for ballerina
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What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.