*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
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I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.