“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
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[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company