my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
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I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.