* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
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[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”