My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
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Breaking news:
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*