German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
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Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
And then there were 4
Succinctly put.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
What the dentist sees
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…