today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
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me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.