Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
You Might Also Like
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Good advice.