When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
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Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Trying
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking