They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
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Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.