Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
You Might Also Like
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.