I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
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Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
me, too, girl. me, too.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
It was worth a shot 😂
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted