I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
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HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
are there any atheist mantises?
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Is fake venison called venisn’t
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend