If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
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If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind