my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
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WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
BRO LMFAO
yeah no that’s fair
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”