Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
saving face 👀
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder