Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
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Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
That’s enough internet for the day
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret