[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
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May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
saw this in a dream
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”