That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
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Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
You are not alone 💚
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Best spot.. 😅
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.