Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
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Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.