me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
You Might Also Like
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
#damn
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I hope this email finds you in a well
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks