Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
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I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.