I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
You Might Also Like
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
mechanics be like
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue